if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We need a shit load of segways right now
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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