please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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