Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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