Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Will exercising make me less horny?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize