If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
