My underwear smells like fireworks.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He did a backflip because drugs
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
