And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
