I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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