the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
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