just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
