you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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