I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
