On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
