Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
