i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
