im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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