I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
