I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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