I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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