we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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