Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
