i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
