i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
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