I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
