is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
