I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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