it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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