So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she told me i tasted like america
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
