this beer tastes like vomit already
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
