Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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