you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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