Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
