I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
