Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
