I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
