Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My life is pants optional.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
