Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I think I just shit out all my problems.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
