before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
