I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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