my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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