Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm like, not good at living.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize