SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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