do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
