Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize