Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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