My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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