Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
