??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
