maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
