So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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