my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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