i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
