life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
