If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
