Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
