Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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