It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
