you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
