Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
