did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
