So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
