Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
