I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
