I never want to see another naked old woman again.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
